Happy Birthday, America

What a gloomy birthday for the US.  Rainy and dark, and such a low pressure system over the whole city, that when the fireworks went off they just hung in the air like a beaten pinata.  We went to watch from my friend S’s house, and she had arguebly one of the best views in the city.  She lives on the Cambridge side of the Charles, and we were only a quarter of a mile down from where they were setting them off.  She had a gorgous rooftop view of the whole city, with the Hancock building and the Pru perfectly outlined. 

The only downside to our view, was that the air was so heavy, that soon enough, we were unable to view the fireworks.  The smoke from the fireworks would not disapate and would obscure the light show.  Very unfortunate.

 

It was still a beautiful show, and not too bad for my first 4th of July, back home.  Happy Birthday, baby!

Deep philosophical questions! Yippee!

I have been thinking about identity a lot lately.  If you had asked me a year ago if I knew who I was, the answer would have been a resounding yes.  I was confident and sure of myself and my motives.  For a brief period, I even felt popular.  I had friends and aquaintances, and everyone seemed to like me and my personality.  At times, in certain circles, it felt like I would walk into a room and everyone knew me and would come to talk to me.  I had found my kingdom to rule, it was like being prom queen or head cheerleader.  I felt fun, and funny, and beautiful.

Now, I am back in my own world, my own social circle and I am no longer a star.  I am no longer a novelty.  I seek out social situations were I am special,  My confidence has taken a hit and I constantly find myself wondering if I have said the right thing, or if I have gone too far.  I am awkward.

I used to have this incredible knack for reading people, know exactly what they were thinking and feeling.  I could predict their moves, and tell them what they were about to think.  It was very helpful and I was a lot more observant than I am now.  Now, my mind is filled with my problems: work, bills, my never ending to-do list, and I find myself unable to relate to those around me.  I am unable to observe their particularities, and say or do the right thing to make them comfortable with me.  I am no longer approachable, I guess.

Previous Week

So, I haven’t written much about it here, but the previous week has been a nightmare.  Everything that could go wrong has.  Trouble with money, trouble with landlords, trouble at work, trouble with friends, everything and anything you can imagine.  The number one problem that I was presented was that one of my co-workers died unexpectly.  He had only been working there for a short time, and he was only 29 years old.  It was a heartbreaking tragety, but I think the worse part was that no one ever told us how he died.  I got a call from my manager on Monday, my day off, telling me about what had happened, and I was dumbfounded.  It actually took me until a few minutes into the conversation to figure out what and who had happened.  We went in mass to the funeral, which I haven’t been to many, and my first for someone my age.  So, his death kind of set the tone for the rest of the week to go horriblely wrong.

By this weekend, I had been in arguements with both my friends, and even my sister.  I can’t take this stress right now.

Redline vs. Greenline

So I always post on Mondays, around 12ish, from my fave coffee shop.  So what?

It is time for more of Lys’s insightful observations.  Yesterday, even though it was a good day, I was terribly down.  There are many reasons, some which I won’t even admit to myself.  Anyways, I was coming back from Central, on the Redline,  and I noticed how many people riding back looked as miserable as I did.  I saw two different women crying, and everyone just seemed to be lost in their own tired and negative thoughts.  Maybe the stress of Cambridge, with Harvard and MIT right there, is too much for the fragile human psyche to handle.  As I looked around the train, no one was making eye contact, and shoes, fingernails, and blank space were very popular.

I get off at Park Street and switch to the Greenline, and the tone is much more peppy.  The train fills up with tired but happy students for BU and BC, and people are actually laughing!  I am trying to maintain a level of melancholy, but it is difficult with all these wise-ass students around.  What is the difference in mood between Harvard/MIT students and BU/BC students?  Less pressure?  More reserved?  I don’t know, but I seem to transverse between the two.

Playing catch-up!

So, my online existence has not really been very visable, has it?  Well, lets see… What has been happening?

–I quit my job.

–I got a new job, Yay!

–My ipod died.

–Mai parhnaa Hindi hoon.  (I am studying Hindi)

–I have been attending a wealth of Yelp events.

– Had 3 celebrity sightings (Ghostface Killah from Wu-tang, A member of Cornershop, and CRAIG T.NELSON)

–I am seeing Eddie Izzard on Wednesday!!

–I am seeing Amanda and Nanny and Granddad in May.

Yeah, that is about everything.  I see and think things everyday that I want to blog about, but time doesn’t really allow for it.  I have moved my computer out of my bedroom, in an effort to get more work done, but so far it really doesn’t help.  I am also really far behind on my reviews for Yelp.

I am alive, though!  My new job is 1000 times better than my old one, and actually interesting

This picture should keep you tided over until my next blog revelation.  It is my husband (Hrithik Roshan) on the cover of India Vogue:

When the Weeping Comes

When the Weeping Comes

I want to weep/ weep long, hard sobs/ that rack my body and fog my brain.

Weep for the loneliness of us/ the loss of supreme love/ weep for the seven years of misfortune which is foretold.

Weep at the passage of time/ at my fear and terror of it/ of its increasing speed.

I want to weep for my lost spiritualism/ of the faith that I was denied/ weep for the God I pray to/ who I fear shuns me.

When that weeping comes/I hope it comes in a big, heavy tears/ thick down my face/ so that you can’t distinguish individuals.

Tears that wash the guilt/the regret/the loss from my tired body/ and empty me of this pain.

I want to weep/ weep the pain away/ if I could only remember how.

Time Won’t Let Me Go

New favorite all-the-time song:

Time Won’t Let Me Go, The Bravery

“Time Won’t Let Me Go”

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

Time won’t let me go
Time won’t let me go
If I could do it all again
I’d go back and change everything
But time won’t let me go

I never had a ‘Summer of 69′
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

Time won’t let me go
Time won’t let me go
If you gave me back those years
I’d do it all better I swear
Time won’t let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba…

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I’d do it all so much better

Time won’t let me go
Time won’t let me go
If I could do it all again
I’d go back and change everything
But you won’t ever let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba…

Moonlight.. Chand, Chanda, Chandi, Chandani

So, as I make my pre-dawn journey to work, through the urban sprawl and rancid tunnels of Boston, occassionally something pops out at me that reminds me that I am alive.  I was riding the B line, and it was 5 am, and still dark out.  A moodiness had over taken me, that I am not a stranger to, and I really was not looking forward to working.  Then maybe because I was exhausted, but I looked up, and I could see the full moon from the trolly.  The curious thing, however, was that I could see it from the other end of the train, through some bars.  I got this eerie feeling like I was being watched.  For a moment, I minorly flipped out, then I just enjoyed the pretty sight.  I went to grab my camera to get the shot, and when I looked up, the train had shifted slightly and it was gone….  Haha, what a parallel for my life, eh?

My energy level has been nil, but not because I am out all the time, but because I don’t eat correctly for a vegetarian. My work place does not provide for a veg lifestyle, so all I eat are salads and pasta.  I am dying for protein, and I think I am going to have to start cooking for myself again.

UncompromisingDefeat

I go through many emotional cycles in my life, most ranging from a few months to a few years. This used to infuriated my family, and I would bet it still does.

One cycle that I notice and that plagues me, again and again, is this one of good Lys vs. bad Lys.  I never know whether I am a good person or not.  At times, I strive really hard to be a kind and good person and to do right by everyone.  I feel good about myself at these times, and all is well.

Right now I am going through one of those bad Lys times.  I feel like a bad person, like no one would ever want to be friends with me.  What the crap am I doing here and doing with my life?  I have messed everything up and I have made irreparable mistakes.  I do not like people and people do not like me.  The last time I felt this was shortly after I moved to Cardiff.  There was drama between some new friends, and I always am in the middle of it.  I start out trying to help, and I always get dragged down.  It makes me feel low.

If I would ever put my life and status back on facebook, it would go something like this:

Alyssa is having an unshakable feeling that everything has gone horrible wrong.

*Edited:  I edited the second paragraph where it talks about messing everything up.  I originally wrote: “I am messing everything up” but it was in the present tense, and that bothered me.  I have already messed everything up and the time for change has passed.  I think that is what is also contributing  to this overwhelming sense of defeat.

EPIC

Two posts in one day, woah!

This is EPIC! You know that I am totally going to be practicing these moves and breaking them out! I freaking miss Europe and its club scene…