Previous Week

So, I haven’t written much about it here, but the previous week has been a nightmare.  Everything that could go wrong has.  Trouble with money, trouble with landlords, trouble at work, trouble with friends, everything and anything you can imagine.  The number one problem that I was presented was that one of my co-workers died unexpectly.  He had only been working there for a short time, and he was only 29 years old.  It was a heartbreaking tragety, but I think the worse part was that no one ever told us how he died.  I got a call from my manager on Monday, my day off, telling me about what had happened, and I was dumbfounded.  It actually took me until a few minutes into the conversation to figure out what and who had happened.  We went in mass to the funeral, which I haven’t been to many, and my first for someone my age.  So, his death kind of set the tone for the rest of the week to go horriblely wrong.

By this weekend, I had been in arguements with both my friends, and even my sister.  I can’t take this stress right now.

When the Weeping Comes

When the Weeping Comes

I want to weep/ weep long, hard sobs/ that rack my body and fog my brain.

Weep for the loneliness of us/ the loss of supreme love/ weep for the seven years of misfortune which is foretold.

Weep at the passage of time/ at my fear and terror of it/ of its increasing speed.

I want to weep for my lost spiritualism/ of the faith that I was denied/ weep for the God I pray to/ who I fear shuns me.

When that weeping comes/I hope it comes in a big, heavy tears/ thick down my face/ so that you can’t distinguish individuals.

Tears that wash the guilt/the regret/the loss from my tired body/ and empty me of this pain.

I want to weep/ weep the pain away/ if I could only remember how.

Time Won’t Let Me Go

New favorite all-the-time song:

Time Won’t Let Me Go, The Bravery

“Time Won’t Let Me Go”

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Someplace I will never be

Time won’t let me go
Time won’t let me go
If I could do it all again
I’d go back and change everything
But time won’t let me go

I never had a ‘Summer of 69′
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

Time won’t let me go
Time won’t let me go
If you gave me back those years
I’d do it all better I swear
Time won’t let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba…

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I’d do it all so much better

Time won’t let me go
Time won’t let me go
If I could do it all again
I’d go back and change everything
But you won’t ever let me go

Ba ba ba ba ba…

Moonlight.. Chand, Chanda, Chandi, Chandani

So, as I make my pre-dawn journey to work, through the urban sprawl and rancid tunnels of Boston, occassionally something pops out at me that reminds me that I am alive.  I was riding the B line, and it was 5 am, and still dark out.  A moodiness had over taken me, that I am not a stranger to, and I really was not looking forward to working.  Then maybe because I was exhausted, but I looked up, and I could see the full moon from the trolly.  The curious thing, however, was that I could see it from the other end of the train, through some bars.  I got this eerie feeling like I was being watched.  For a moment, I minorly flipped out, then I just enjoyed the pretty sight.  I went to grab my camera to get the shot, and when I looked up, the train had shifted slightly and it was gone….  Haha, what a parallel for my life, eh?

My energy level has been nil, but not because I am out all the time, but because I don’t eat correctly for a vegetarian. My work place does not provide for a veg lifestyle, so all I eat are salads and pasta.  I am dying for protein, and I think I am going to have to start cooking for myself again.

UncompromisingDefeat

I go through many emotional cycles in my life, most ranging from a few months to a few years. This used to infuriated my family, and I would bet it still does.

One cycle that I notice and that plagues me, again and again, is this one of good Lys vs. bad Lys.  I never know whether I am a good person or not.  At times, I strive really hard to be a kind and good person and to do right by everyone.  I feel good about myself at these times, and all is well.

Right now I am going through one of those bad Lys times.  I feel like a bad person, like no one would ever want to be friends with me.  What the crap am I doing here and doing with my life?  I have messed everything up and I have made irreparable mistakes.  I do not like people and people do not like me.  The last time I felt this was shortly after I moved to Cardiff.  There was drama between some new friends, and I always am in the middle of it.  I start out trying to help, and I always get dragged down.  It makes me feel low.

If I would ever put my life and status back on facebook, it would go something like this:

Alyssa is having an unshakable feeling that everything has gone horrible wrong.

*Edited:  I edited the second paragraph where it talks about messing everything up.  I originally wrote: “I am messing everything up” but it was in the present tense, and that bothered me.  I have already messed everything up and the time for change has passed.  I think that is what is also contributing  to this overwhelming sense of defeat.

Holy Freaking Crap! It’s cold!

I can’t feel my face, hands, or anything else for that matter!

It was so windy and cold today. The only thing that made it even barely tolerable was the fact that as soon as I stepped out of my door today, I caught my train. I didn’t have to stand out in it! Yay!

So..weather, work, thats my life. Here is a video from my new favourite band! Yay, Kit! I am now their newest groupie/hanger on!

VEG

The other night, I got to experience my first Kaze Shabu Shabu. A group from this social community that I belong to, decided to have a Vegan/Vegetarian night on Monday. I signed up immediately, of course, because I have almost no veg friends to eat with. I have been on/off vegetarian for 2 years now, and I have been trying to adhere strictly to the lifestyle since I moved to Boston. Over the course of the two years I have been vegetarian, piscetarian (who eats fish), and a omnivore. When I am in West Virginia, it is difficult to find vegetarian food, and my family is one of meat eaters. Steak, ham, or chicken every night. When I was in Cardiff, I occasionally had sushi or salmon, which lead to me being piscetarian, and I am having a hard time giving up fish.

Since coming to Boston, I have been a much stricter vegetarian, but I could never be vegan.  Anyways, the Shabu was really good.  It is like fondue, in that you have a broth instead of oil to cook your food in.  I had a hot pot with a Miso broth, and I got the Vegetarian delight platter, which included mushrooms, tofu, greens, and various other veggies.  It was a lot of food, and I was extremely please with it.  It was a lot of food, and it was fairly cheap, especially with the free green tea.

Boston has a lot more choices for me, and I feel like I can eat what I want now.  I just wish work would recognize vegetarians, and actually have food for us.  There are two vegetarians in my department, and we have a hard time finding food for us in the cafeteria.  We have decided to bring our own to supplement the salad they have.

Bad Grandchild

My grandmother passed away 1/20/2007. I remember, because it was my ex’s and I’s one year anniversary. This year, I forgot about her anniversary and about ours.

I am a bad grandchild. I forgot about her birthday and her death. I do miss her, a lot. I really mourned when she died, and I really think that her death was a large reason why my ex and I broke up. I was distraught. My mother and then my grandmother within a year and a half of each other. I truly believe my mother’s death was what did Mal in. She lived for my mom because my mom spent the remaining years of her life at the beck and call of her.

She was crazy old bitch, but she liked me and I liked her, and we got along. We had a ton in common, from love of all things English, to cats. Like a lot of older people who grew up before and during WWII, she was not exactly the most tolerant person. She expected her kids to only date follow WASPS. No Italians, Poles, Spaniards, and CERTAINLY NOT anyone from outside of a European country.

One of my favourite memories of her:

I was dating an Indian man, who I was very much in love with. I had been dropping hints for awhile about having a boyfriend and she always assumed that he was white and British. I finally let it drop one day that he was Indian from Kenya, and you know what she told me?

“Good for you, Indian men can be quite beautiful.” I loved Mal.

When she died, I went out with my friends and got raging drunk that night.  That is what she would have wanted.  She would have wanted to hear about all the torrid details.

I won’t forget you, I promise.

Blue Monday

It is no surprise that since I have moved home from Cardiff, and moved all by myself to Boston, I have been having bouts of melancholy that I have been having to stave off. A few days ago, I called Chewie because I was so down about work not starting yet. Well, apparently, I am not the only one. A researcher (from my alma mater, Cardiff University!) has determined that January 21 is the saddest day of the year. That is what I have to look forward to tomorrow. I am always sad around my birthday (which is the 24th) and maybe now I have a reason why.

Blue, Blue, Blue Monday

There’s a lot to feel down about this month: the subprime mortgage crisis, stormy, unpredictable weather, rising gas prices, presidential primary free-for-alls. So, it would be easy to believe the theory set forth by Dr. Cliff Arnall, a researcher from Cardiff University, that the third Monday of the month (Jan. 21, this year) — a day he calls Blue Monday — will be our most depressing day of the year. Arnall bases his yearly prediction on a formula he developed, which factors in the weather, consumer debt from holiday spending and failed New Year’s resolutions and arrives at that conclusion that we’ll hit rock bottom on Monday the 21st. Aside from the fact that Arnall’s theory has been discounted by many in the academic community, I’ve got a better way of finding the true nadir of depression: Look to our search behavior.

Lazy bum-ness

So, I did absolutely nothing today. Yesterday, my cousin Abby came into town with her fiance, who is from Boston, and we went out with some of his friends. I had a pretty good time, and I discovered some new places around Harvard Square. Going out with Abby and Dan is always a good time. The last time I had seen Abby, was at one of my other cousin’s wedding, and we had quite a good time in the hotel bar the night before the ceremony. I was quite ill the next day, and embarrassed! Last night, however, was free of ruckus.

I had ONE Amaretto and I felt like crap, today. I think I just get a hangover, anymore, by just looking at liquor, which is kind of sad. I used to be able to hold my own. So today, I didn’t even get out of bed until two, and opted to stay and watch five episodes of The West Wing. I made my bed and made some pasta salad to eat later in the week! Yay, me! I was going to go to church this morning, but since I had such a raging headache that couldn’t be cured by drugs, I didn’t make it. Which is sad, because the church I have found in Roxbury is a really nice one to attend.

So, here’s a picture of me all wrapped out and getting ready to go out. It was 20F last night!